Saturday, September 02, 2006

The Three Circles of Pesticide

Couldn’t take the bugs anymore, so I went to Home Depot and bought fifty bucks of industrial-strength chemical compounds, nearly every pesticide I could find for spiders, ants, bees, flying insects. Swiped them off the shelves and into my basket, including foggers, powders, sprays, and foams, with names like, Bug Stop, Real-Kill, Ant-B-Gon, Hi-Yield Kill-A-Bug II, Hot Shot Spider Killer, and No Bugs in My Backyard. Even bought something special for the inevitable arrival of rodents.

Walking in circles around my trailer with a can in each hand, I sprayed a stream of white ooze from up to six feet away on baby spiders, brown furry spiders, black shiny spiders with red bellies, and anything else that dared breathe or move. They shriveled under the foam, and I thought, I’m going to win!

I’m determined. This place is not going to be like my apartment where I shivered and rocked back and forth in my bed while ants that had broken the barrier of pesticide dust around the foundation outside gathered crumbs from my abandoned nacho plates and readied themselves for crossing the 2nd barrier, the ring of dust around my bed.

This is chemical warfare on a new scale, and I’m determined. I won’t be taken prisoner, a hostage in my own home. This barricade of safety will be inpenetrable.

I sprinkled the standard ring of dust around the skirting of my trailer and then went around a second and third time for good measure, specializing my sprinkling each round, isolating a few select populations and peppering their homes with Green Light Many Purpose Dust, my apocalyptic snow, and in some cases giving them directives like, Eat up, boys! Come get your last meal! Then sat on my porch with a canister of Agent Orange for Insects across my lap like a loaded shotgun and waited for a bug to cross the three circles of hell, so I could introduce myself.