Saturday, September 02, 2006

Fruit Not Welcome Here

An excerpt from a eulogy about my life: “Derek Smith was concerned with doing good work, and his work was often good, whether it be teaching, writing, or parenting. He liked the idea of eating fruit but didn't get around to it until his early thirties.”

(I already wrote my eulogy. I don’t want my family screwing it up at my memorial service. An interesting side effect of doing this was that thinking about what people will say about me after I’m gone helped me set some goals – yep, I’m that lazy and insecure, needing to cling to some imaginary fear that my loved ones will gossip after I’m gone about how I wasted my life to get me off my butt and work.)

But I digress. So far I’m doing well. With the exception of some frozen blackberries, pineapple juice concentrate mixed with rum, and a canteloupe joining the compost bin at the bottom of my refrigerator, fruit has never entered my trailer.

I figure that if I eat enough MSG, high fructose corn syrup, and carnuba wax, my body will never deteriorate and that I will become a human candle. That way my memory will be preserved in a wax museum (hopefully) and I won’t need a eulogy after all.


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